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Coping with Infertility
It is important to keep the lines of communication open with your partner.
If you’re having a hard time coping with infertility, you’re not alone. Research has shown that the psychological stress experienced by people who suffer with infertility is similar to those coping with illnesses like cancer, HIV, and chronic pain. Infertility is not an easy disease to cope with.
Infertility is not just a female issue. Nor does it only affect women emotionally. Men who have fertility problems, or a partner suffering from infertility, can often experience a range of emotions, from powerlessness to guilt to grief and even depression. A common feeling among azoospermic men is the feeling of being inadequate. Man will often feel "less than a man." Having a proper outlet to deal with these normal emotions is extremely important.
Seeking out fertility counseling is often helpful in letting you vent your feelings, thereby reducing stress, anxiety and depression. One type of counselor often useful to those dealing with infertility is a sex therapist. This type of therapists is specially trained in dealing with issues related to sex, including sexual dysfunction, infertility, and the effects of conception sex. Many fertility clinics also employ a full-time psychologist or psychiatrist to meet with patients. However, one of the most common types of counselors to help those with infertility is a licensed clinical social worker.
It is also important to keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Often, when couples go through infertility, they tend to shut each other out at a time when they need each other the most. Whether you are angry at your partner or yourself, it is imperative that you stay emotionally connected and discuss your feelings openly and honestly. By doing this, you can both move forward together in your treatment. The whirlwind of emotions that infertility brings can feel overwhelming. Sometimes knowing that your feelings are normal can help.
Some of the feelings you may experience include:
Loss: You may feel a sense of loss for the child or children you imagined having one day. You may also feel that you’re missing out on the experience of parenthood or the act of having a biological child.
Anger and jealousy: You may feel angry at life in general. You may also feel angry or jealous that parenthood seems to come easily to others.
Denial: You might tell yourself that you just know next month will bring a positive pregnancy test, and then, when it doesn’t, feel a huge sense of sadness and shock.
Shame: Women may feel that a diagnosis of infertility makes them less feminine, while men may feel that a diagnosis makes them less masculine. You may also feel that you are somehow less of a person if you can’t have a child on your own.
Lack of Control: You may feel a lack of control, knowing that there is nothing you can do to guarantee or know if treatments will work.
Marital or Relationship Stress
Infertility can also put stress on your relationship, with studies showing that couples dealing with infertility are more likely to feel unhappy with themselves and their marriages.
Infertility may affect your relationship in a number of ways, including:
Sexual tension: After learning about their inabiltiy to reproduce, some men become distant and sex becomes less meaningful. Men may experience performance anxiety, leading to feelings of guilt or shame.
Financial stress: Fertility treatment costs can quickly add up. Everything from deciding how much you’re willing to pay, to coping with the financial strain or debt, can create a great deal of stress between couples.
Fear of abandonment: Especially for the partner with the infertility diagnosis, he may be afraid that their partner will want to leave them to have children with someone else.
Arguments about treatments: Deciding which treatments or options to try, when to stop seeking treatment, or when to take a break can put tremendous strain on a couple.
Ways to Cope
With the myriad of feelings surrounding infertility, good coping skills are essential. Here are a few tips to help manage and lower the stress of infertility:
Acknowledge your feelings: Holding everything inside does not help. It actually takes more mental energy to hold your feelings back than to express them. Allow yourself time to feel the sadness, anger, and frustration.
Seek support: Whether through friends, professional counseling, groups, or online forums, finding somewhere to talk with people who understand can help you feel less alone.
Practice relaxation: Learning how to relax and calm yourself can help when feelings get intense and during treatments. Acupuncture, yoga, and relaxation techniques are all possible ways to cope.
Talk to your partner: Talk about your feelings together. Keep in mind, though, that men and women cope with stress in different ways. Women are more likely to express their sadness, while men tend to hold things inside. Neither way is wrong, just different.
Learn as much as you can: The more you know about your infertility diagnosis and treatment, including alternatives like adoption or living child-free, the more in control you will feel.
Don’t let infertility take over your life: Make sure you fill your life and your relationship with other things. If it seems like infertility is all you talk about together, set a specified time each day for the topic, and use the rest of the day to talk about other things.
Keep sex fun: Find a new and fun way to express love for each other. Try to keep things loving and exciting. Light candles, play fun music, or watch romantic movies, whatever makes you both feel good.
Consider professional help: Many couples find that professional individual or couples counseling can help them cope with the emotional stress of infertility, and some fertility clinics insist that their patients seek counseling before and during treatment. If you find yourself feeling constantly sad or anxious, not sleeping well or oversleeping, feeling completely isolated, or having thoughts of death and dying, then it is especially important that you speak to your doctor about your feelings.